Introspection

I finally felt called to write a new blog after about five months. These past five months in lockdown have been very strange. Time has both gone by extremely fast and slow. I didn’t have a lot to say because I’ve been processing this experience and I’ve also been focusing my energy on the growing baby inside of me. This morning I awoke with the thoughts fluttering around my mind like butterflies and I knew it was time to let them out.

First of all, I’m grateful to this strange time for giving me tons of space. Even though at times it felt like I had so much space I didn’t know what to do with myself. Looking back now I’ve been able to navigate these shifting waters day by day. During the past five months of quarantine I have completed another 200 hour yoga teacher training with my mentor, I’ve almost finished my pre-natal/post-natal yoga teacher training, I’ve started taking weekly drawing& painting classes at a local art studio, I’ve read a few good books, figured out how to teach yoga online, started teaching at Alive & Well studio, oh yeah and I’ve been growing a baby inside of me. So even though it feels like I haven’t done much, I actually have.

What I really want to share though is how I’ve been feeling really calm and grounded throughout this entire experience. (For the most part) At one of the craziest times of society in my lifespan, I feel surprisingly at ease. I am extremely lucky that I have a partner who has been able to work and provide for us. I am also lucky that despite losing my main job/source of income, I was able to receive health insurance and disaster unemployment. So I do have the extra support I need right now and my basic needs are taken care of. There are so many who are struggling for basic needs to be met and that I know leads to dis-regulation. However I also know that there are many out there who have their basic needs met yet are still struggling with anxiety, depression, and dis-regulated systems. Even when our society wasn’t a total mess these were still pressing issues.

I can attest my feeling of contentment and stability to my healing journey. Taking steps toward healing, I believe is the bravest thing you can do. Recognizing that something is not right in your inner world takes self awareness. Then to make choices to help improve that inner state can be scary, unknown, and lonely to name a few. Especially at the beginning of your journey when you don’t even know or perhaps you can’t verbalize what exactly is wrong or why you feel the way you do. You just know that something is not right. You know you are suffering and you know there must be, there HAS to be another way to live. And sitting here I can absolutely say yes you are right to believe that. You can be at peace despite all that has happened in your life and all that is currently happening. You can feel strong, grounded, and stable even if you’ve never felt those things before. You can completely change your inner world, and therefore transform your outer world. I know it can be done because I have done it.

Perhaps you are reading this and you’re already on your healing journey but have hit a wall and don’t know where to go next. Or maybe you haven’t begun to take those first steps because you don’t know where to start. And what I would say to either is just keep moving forward. If you are aware that you want better than no decision you make can be the wrong one. But rather moving you in a direction. You have to follow that path to know if its the right way or perhaps you’ll need to make another turn later down the road. Just keep going. If you feel stuck, take a break to breathe. Journal, reflect on how you got to where you are. Note where you want to be, and then pivot. In every moment we are making choices. Some we are aware of, especially when they are big choices. But others like our posture, our breathing, even our thoughts, perhaps we are not aware of those. They are all contributing to our day and our life. Simplify your life. Become aware of all the choices you are making in each moment. Step into your power and take control of yourself. Body, mind, spirit. Don’t just go through the motions of the day. Start to OWN who you are. Most of us know whats good for our body, mind, and spirit. Yet we ignore our innate wisdom. Why? If ever there was a time to change, it’s now! Most of us have some extra space. Don’t fill it with more stuff, but take the time to reconnect to yourself.

All my life I’ve been searching for my partner. I’ve been obsessed with love since I was little and I tended to focus on the object of my affection rather than myself. For me, this was a recipe for disaster. Even when I was happy, it was fleeting. Life felt like a roller coaster ride and the worst part was that I was controlling the highs and lows yet I felt totally out of control. It wasn’t until I took the time to heal myself and to learn how to thrive within myself that I was able to thrive within a partnership. If you are already in a partnership thats great! I know it was the support of my partner that helped me to heal. If you are not in a partnership, don’t sweat. Surround yourself with a support system. Family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances. We are all on this journey together. The more you get to understand yourself, the easier it is to naturally be drawn to those you need/who need you.

I’m keeping it vague right now. But I’d like to go into more healing specifics in blogs to come. If you have any questions or comments, I’m open!