A Rainbow of Emotions

This past weekend my family and I ventured to the other side of the island for our first “staycation”. I was so excited to have a whole weekend together and to enjoy a change of scenery. I was blissfully unaware of how that change of scenery also meant a change of routine. And for a toddler and mama whose lives are held together by routine, that can be troublesome. Long story short, at the end of the trip, I found myself feeling defeated on the drive back home. Although we had fun and I did get some relaxation in, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed from the moments of chaos with our toddler and lack of communication with my partner. I started to feel like our vacation had been an epic fail.

As we sat silently on our drive back, I tried my absolute best to practice mindfulness and watch my feelings and thoughts. After some time I wondered why I always seem to let the bad outweigh the good and why I was having a “glass half empty” state of mind.

After more reflection this week, I’ve noticed the duality that exists within my day to day life. And perhaps you can relate. There are moments of happiness and joy. And there are also moments of frustration, anger, irritation, and sadness. If you’ve ever spent time with a toddler you’ll quickly see the full spectrum of feelings a human can experience in any given day. My son can go from gleeful laughing to screams of rage in a matter of seconds. I often think of him as a mini human or grownup. He is who I was before all the training and correction. He hasn’t yet learned that tantrums are not a socially acceptable form of self expression. In fact my own experience is that any type of negative emotion is not welcome. It is to be quietly dealt with in my own private space and time. I can even recall being teased for crying easily, by friends, whom I thought it was safe to do so around. I’ve often felt like my emotions were “too much” for others and for myself.

Why is it that we aren’t given more safe spaces and tools to experience and express the negative emotions that come with being a human? Perhaps if we were allowed to show the fullness of ourselves we wouldn’t feel this inner darkness creeping from within influencing our overall state of being. The truth is we are all human. And just like my mini human, we experience a rainbow of emotions on a daily basis. However you were trained to neatly hide the negative feelings that may strike you in any given moment, it doesn’t change the fact that you feel them. You feel the bubbling coming up from within just like I do. Perhaps we need to change how we are training future humans to deal with these emotions.

I don’t claim to know the answers, but I’m taking steps to work on it. For starters, as a mother I am trying to hold space for my son to express himself in whatever form that takes. If he is having big emotions I give him space but I don’t leave. I let him know I am here for him if he needs me. I try not to take it personal and remain calm and loving. For now, this is relatively easy. I’m curious to see how I’m able to hold space for him as he grows and develops as a human. Perhaps the way I hold space for him will evolve as well. Personally I want to work on letting go of my fears surrounding negative emotions.

I think there is something really special about feeling allowed to be our full self without judgement or the worry that people will be put off. Maybe then we can feel safe to feel and process negative feelings the moment they arise. Rather than pushing them away, only for them to creep up and overwhelm us and rob us of our joy.

So here’s my invitation to be a safe space for others. Remember that we are all humans experiencing a full range of emotions. You have the power to be a safe space for someone to process and let go of something that feels heavy. I’d say as an adult I don’t really want advice, but rather I want loving eyes to see me in my fullness and love me just the same. Perhaps that’s what we all want, the smallest of us and the biggest.